locked & kept secret, buried below...
A short while after my last update, Katie called...
Thank you to all the people who have kept me going this far in life, it means a lot. There has been a fair share of drama, heart ache, and sadness; but we always over come it. My friends mean so much to me, thank you. I am not going to name them all, but you know who you are. She apologized for making me choose between her and Kaydie, she said she knew it was wrong and she felt really bad afterwards. She expressed how she felt and that she wants me to be happy, and if Kaydie makes me happy then she wants me to be with her. We had a long, semi-informative conversation. We talked about why she did what she did to me, and how she wishes it didn't happen like it did. Although, her jokes seemed to invalidate her praise, nevertheless, I will believe her. She made it crystal clear that she is very confused about what to do, or where to go from here. To be honest, so am I. After we debated about our differences, and after the tears, we talked like friends do. It was very different, very "unconventional". In conclusion, I forgave her, once again.
As I stated in my last entry, I am far too passive. While I was on the phone with Katie I was thinking about it...
I think we adopt the passive characteristic when we are little kids. It is how we dealt with the class bullies or the cruel family members that put us in the passive or aggressive bracket. I know for me I was always the one being put down, or bullied. I was a small kid therefore I had no way to defend myself, so I just let it happen. I think that is how my passiveness developed. Maybe it developed when my mom had a short temper, and she would get really mad. I won't go into what happened, but I was forced to be passive. Ha, no she didn't rape me.
A year and 4 days ago is when I was taken from school in an ambulance. That day changed my life for a very long time. I was afraid to be with certain people because I felt like I would be holding them back, limiting there possible activities. I was on crutches until January or so, that was terrible. I cried so much then, because that is when people seemed to really care for me. I tend to not cry when I am sad, but when people show that they care for me. I cried when my mom and dad took work off that day so they could come to the hospital to be with me, I cried when Joe and Lauren came over for my birthday, I cried whenever someone would go out of there way to see if I was ok. I can feel myself starting to cry now.
On Saturday, I turn 18. I don't want to at all. I enjoy being a kid, I like to say that I am only 17. People seem to respect me because of how much I have done, or for how much I know at such a young age. In class, I can say I am only 17 and people respond with "dang, your good!". With 18, comes so much, I don't want all that baggage, I like being a kid. I suppose some good things come with being an adult: smoking, boobs, sex, the draft, porn, and guns. Oh wait, I don't like any of that stuff. I am not doing anything special for my birthday. On my actual birthday I will be at band practice and starbucks; that is special to me. On Sunday, my family will be coming over to celebrate my birthday. That will just consist of them yelling and watching the football game.
My family has disjointed recently. My aunt is starting to get a long with my grandma which is very unordinary because they have never really gotten along, my cousin says it is because she is going to die soon. I refuse to believe that, but if it is true, I am sad that it took death to bring them closer. My family is thinking about doing Christmas differently this year, a secret santa sort of thing is the rumor. That makes me worried of the financial status of my family, maybe I should cut back on buying stupid stuff like candy and expensive coffee. Also, my mom asked me what I thought of going out of town again for Christmas. I really don't like that idea, I want to be in San Diego, with my family. I really enjoy tradition.
As I stated in my last entry, I am far too passive. While I was on the phone with Katie I was thinking about it...
I think we adopt the passive characteristic when we are little kids. It is how we dealt with the class bullies or the cruel family members that put us in the passive or aggressive bracket. I know for me I was always the one being put down, or bullied. I was a small kid therefore I had no way to defend myself, so I just let it happen. I think that is how my passiveness developed. Maybe it developed when my mom had a short temper, and she would get really mad. I won't go into what happened, but I was forced to be passive. Ha, no she didn't rape me.
A year and 4 days ago is when I was taken from school in an ambulance. That day changed my life for a very long time. I was afraid to be with certain people because I felt like I would be holding them back, limiting there possible activities. I was on crutches until January or so, that was terrible. I cried so much then, because that is when people seemed to really care for me. I tend to not cry when I am sad, but when people show that they care for me. I cried when my mom and dad took work off that day so they could come to the hospital to be with me, I cried when Joe and Lauren came over for my birthday, I cried whenever someone would go out of there way to see if I was ok. I can feel myself starting to cry now.
On Saturday, I turn 18. I don't want to at all. I enjoy being a kid, I like to say that I am only 17. People seem to respect me because of how much I have done, or for how much I know at such a young age. In class, I can say I am only 17 and people respond with "dang, your good!". With 18, comes so much, I don't want all that baggage, I like being a kid. I suppose some good things come with being an adult: smoking, boobs, sex, the draft, porn, and guns. Oh wait, I don't like any of that stuff. I am not doing anything special for my birthday. On my actual birthday I will be at band practice and starbucks; that is special to me. On Sunday, my family will be coming over to celebrate my birthday. That will just consist of them yelling and watching the football game.
My family has disjointed recently. My aunt is starting to get a long with my grandma which is very unordinary because they have never really gotten along, my cousin says it is because she is going to die soon. I refuse to believe that, but if it is true, I am sad that it took death to bring them closer. My family is thinking about doing Christmas differently this year, a secret santa sort of thing is the rumor. That makes me worried of the financial status of my family, maybe I should cut back on buying stupid stuff like candy and expensive coffee. Also, my mom asked me what I thought of going out of town again for Christmas. I really don't like that idea, I want to be in San Diego, with my family. I really enjoy tradition.
- "I'm very pleased with each advancing year. It stems back to when I was forty. I was a bit upset about reaching that milestone, but an older friend consoled me. 'Don't complain about growing old - many, many people do not have that privilege.''
- Earl Warren (1891-1974), Chief Justice
Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881), British politician
- "The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes..."
posted by charlie at 11:23 PM
3 Comments:
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you cant say you dont like any of that..yeaaaaah you know. hahah.
-katie; the cool one ; )
People respect me too because I'm still 17. In some sick twisted sort of way, I don't want to turn 18 either. It's weird, I've been waiting for sooo long and now that it's almost here, I don't want it to happen just yet. There are still a few things I need to do before I turn 18. I don't know, but I can definitely relate to your feelings Jeff.
They only want you when you're 17, when you're 21, you're no fun."
-lauren
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