it's not me, it can't be...

As of late, I have been having to keep myself occupied, with television, books or music; so my mind will not start to drift into places that I do not want it to be. I guess it is good that I am reading again.
"I don't want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week. I can't think again. Not ever again"

I truly do not enjoy thinking of Kaydie making memories with someone else. I know that sounds sexual, but really it is not. I just don't want our memories written over. "And all the books you've read have been read by other people. And all the songs you've loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty to other people." What if she plays video games with another guy? Or, another guy goes to Starbucks a lot, or still has GI Joes, or eats pizza rolls while watching Boy Meets World, or he likes to sit in the car on shady El Cajon Streets.

I should really stop being like this, it can't be good. Maybe I should just stuck it up and move on, stop being such a little baby. Yeah, but that's hard...

"I just remembered what made me think of all this. I'm going write it down because maybe if I do I won't have to think about it. And I won't get upset. But the thing is that I can hear Sam and Craig having sex.

And for the first time in my life, I understand the end of that poem.

And I never wanted to. You have to believe me"

forgive me if I slow you down...

I am in a very weird state right now. Kaydie and I broke up on Sunday; but we decided to be best friends still. I am thankful for that because she is such an amazing person. We talk more now then we did during the last few weeks of our relationship, so that is good. On Monday, we talked on the phone a lot, which made me happy even though; she would just hang up on me when her television show came back on. That is ok though, I understand, as long as there is communication. Another night she called me to tell me she was going to bed, that made me the happiest person alive (read previous entry). Just her calling me to tell me that was "enough".

Incidentally, I got an "A" on my first college paper! I am proud of that, especially because it was a hard essay; we had to write about a food. I chose to write about pastries and how they remind me of my friends. Ms. McCurry seemed to think it was "A" work; but I need to work on my semi-colon use. I turned in my second paper today; one of the prompts was to write about a color and everything you associate with that. I chose to write about Dark Blue and all its relations to Kaydie. I might type it up here sometime, but that depends on what Ms. McCurry has to say about it. In class, we had to give ours to the person next to us so they can read it aloud. This was very nerve racking for me, as that was a very personal essay; but she said it was very good.

Also in English, the girl behind me kept asking me a lot of questions. But not like she was flirting with me, she just seemed like she was curious...

She asked if I lied
"I really try not to, I don't really do anything worth lying about"
She asked why I didn't cuss in my paper
"I don't curse"
"But what if you want to yell at someone?"
"I prefer to win an arguement by politness, just don't argue with them"
She says, "You are very prim and proper"
"Well, yea, I like to give off a good, clean, professional vibe, just incase I meet someone that I could be working for; also sweaters keep me warm"
"You live at home with your mom, don't you?"
"Yes, and my father, but they don't pick out my clothes"
"You and your mom are close huh?"
"Not really, she works really hard, we rarely talk"
"Oh, what does she do?"
"She is the manager of car dealership"

I think you guys can guess where it goes from there. I don't know why I felt compelled to tell you that, it just seemed interesting to me.

I am really happy Kaydie and I are still friends, I know I already said that; but it is good to be happy. Her calling me is enough. Although, sometimes I feel like I am bothering her. Sometimes I also wonder if she is as happy when we talk as I am.


Memory feeds imagination.
Amy Tan

in your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there...

And I cried,
but you know, it was a happy cry,
maybe a confused cry.
I tried really hard to keep it in because I didn't want to wake my parents
I think it was a cry of hope, or a thankful cry.
Because I am not somewhere else, and I am here.
And she sounded truly happy.
I really missed that sound.
Thank God that I am here right now, I am so happy.
But what should I do?
I don't want to push her away
But I really want to tell her how happy she makes me
and that right now, I am crying because she sounded soo happy.
I hope that was because of me, but even if it wasn't I am thankful she is finally happy.
Maybe this crying was because of the poem I had just read?
But she is sounded so happy, and I could just see her on the other side of the phone, with a big smile on her face.
That is really all that matters.....

the only time wasted is the time we spend thinking we're alone

Heres to:

In'n'Out
Starbucks
Shady El Cajon Streets
ABC Family line-up from 2 til 6
ToTo's
Diet Coke
The Holidays
Cakes
Coffee
Mondays
Sleeping
GI Joes
Movies
The Vault
Konstantine
Medicine
The hospital
Hilberto's
Jamba Juice
12 O'Clock curfews
The smoochie faces
Brushed hair
Backward skirts
The motherly phone calls
Falling asleep on the phone
Staying up til 3
Sleepless sick nights
Forgiveness
Hours of "Next" late at night
Waking up at the same time
Married couples
"As Lovers Go"
Video editing
Cookies
Pictures
Never going to Arizona
Swinging from cars
Slipping on wet streets
Not caring about getting sick
Video games
Rainy days with Uggs
Christmas Eve
New Year's Eve
Realization
Love
Kaydie

Heres to:
Best friends

but i'll try to try...

One day, we will find ourselves just where we'd least expected to. We will all grow up to be the dreams we dreamed we'd be on bedroom floors. But I can't promise you there will not be days that star won't shine, no I can't promise you I won't let you down, leaving you feeling out. One day, we will be content to listen not just wait to talk, and we will learn to love our moms and appericate what we have long before it dies, or runs and hides. But I can't promise you there will not be days I can't make you smile, no I can't promise you I won't mess things up, make you wonder why you still stick with me.

so this is the new year, part 2

I have learned a lot over the past year, such as to never turn down the radio when Kaydie is listening to Fall Out Boy or Dark Blue. In addition, this year I found a lot of knowledge and comfort in quotations, here are a few of my favorites:

"A Year in Quotes"

"I sucked 10 dicks last night, Check!"
-Jeff Micklos with the Clobber Crew

"What does that make me? a log-sleeping loser."
-Cory Matthews

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."
-Charlie


"Let's not love in word only, neither with the tongue only, but in deed and truth."
-John 3:18

"I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for the truth; and truth rewarded me."
-Simone de Beauvoir

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
-George Santayana

"We were all in agreement, in agreement bbout most things. We'll do better next time, this is an ok beginning"
-Jonsi

"It' s alright, you'll say good-bye next time you say hello"
-Stephen Chbosky

"You have to recognize when the right place and the right time fuse and take advantage of that opportunity. There are plenty of opportunities out there. You can't sit back and wait."
-Ellen Metcalf

"But, the best thing God has created is a new day."
-Jonsi

"Is love supposed to last throughout all time, or is it like trains changing at random stops. If I loved her, how could I leave her? If I felt that way then, how come I don't feel anything now?"
-Jeff Melvoin

"The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone"
-Mitch Albom

"I don't wanna hear it"
-IDWHI

"It's just like dammit people if you love someone go freaking grab them, kiss them, make yourself look stupid in front of them and sing a song. i dont know man but just stop sitting on your ass trying to figure out how to beat jeff micklos digital art and follow your heart"
-Justin

"The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes"
-Frank Lloyd Wright

"Wait a second, I have something to offer her. Passion. Deep passion, and a history. Shawn, I came to woo her, and by gum. Woo her I will"
-Cory Matthews

"Life is Beautiful"
-Brent Wood

"So can you feel me?
Hell Yeah!
Can you feel me?
Hell Yeah!
If you feel muther fucker then you'll say
Hell yeah!
Then you say
Hell Yeah!
then you say-
Hell yeah, I'm livin' life in the fast lane! "