so this is the new year, part 1

Recently, but not so much anymore, I have been bothered by insignificant issues. Whether worrying, over-analyzation, or jealousy causes it, little things have been getting to me and I hate it. It does not help anything one bit. I have been trying to fix it and I have been doing pretty well recently. Here is an example of such an issue; tonight Kaydie went out with her friends, I called her and she was in a movie so she said she would call me as soon as she got out, which she did. Then she said she would call me as soon as she got into her car. I waited eagerly for the phone to ring, like an enraptured boy would, but it did not ring. 30 minutes pass, and I call her but am let down with the sound of the voice mail. 5 minutes later and she is at Dave's house. I know this should not bother me because it is so small, and I trust her a lot, but I just wish she had called. Although, honestly, I cannot expect her to call me when she is with her friends, especially just to tell me where she is going; I am not her dad. I think the main reason this bothered me was the fact that many of the boys there were involved with Katie while she was "with" me. Thanks to Katie, it is exceedingly hard for me to trust anyone, but whenever I compare Kaydie and Katie, I remember that they are very different people and they should not be compared. I know and trust that Kaydie would never do anything to hurt me, and deep down I strongly believe that. Katie just really screwed up my ability to trust, and I am sure she is proud of that, but I am getting over that because wasting time being bothered by small issues is not beneficial to anything in anyway.
Between talking to Nicole and debating what my next topic in this entry my phone rang, it was Kaydie saying she was outside and to come out. Sometimes I really like surprises, and I really liked this one. She always knows how to make things all right...
The year 2005 is winding down fast; New Year's Eve is tomorrow. This year has been a very interesting one, an emotional roller coaster of sorts. I will chronologically break things down for all the readers, also, it will have pictures, and ah, you had better enjoy this.



"A Year In Pictures"

ah, good times with good people. 2005 started off with a bang,
I was going out every weekend with these crazy people having loads of fun.


I took this very nice girl to winter formal.


Florida with these crazy people


Mainly this girl. This is Alisha, I met her in Florida, her and I hung out that whole week.
I had never had so much fun with anyone else. The whole time Raya and Pat were
trying to hook us up, that was awkward. The day before we left to go back to San Diego
she moved to San Diego, and so the quest begins...


A lot of jams at Starbucks, accompanied by many Triple Venti White Chocolate Mochas


if not now when?


Prom, the search for a prom date was a long one, a sad one. Multiple girls rejected me,
including my two "best friends". I ended up going with Ariel, needless to say, prom sucked.


When Brian got dizzy


Kelly Lovejoy played with my heart...


We had many sing-a-longs at the wall


We sat at a taco shop for about 2 hours after high school...


Night before graduation, in search of the figurative "grail"


Making amends with a girl I was never fond of right before walking down to graduate


Graduation...


Long days recording...


Many nights at Krispie Kreme and meeting SeeJay


Brian leaving for college, or as he calls it "collage"


My buddy from middle school moving back down to San Diego


Yachting and waiting in anticipation with Pat...


Disneyland with the boys, sleepy, but fun...


Late nights editing surf movies with Pat, oops...


2nd chance, oops...


Sigur Ros, I cried...


I started college which immediately rained down projects and homework


Tuesday tradition with Bryan and Raya...


Copeland with Kaydie, Joe, and Brooke. Kaydie =)


Kaydie, YAY! w00t! =)


Getting ready to play our first show...


Baking a lot of cakes...


I ended the year with amazing friends


A wonderful girlfriend


and the knowledge that

I will update tomorrow with "A Year In Quotes" or something like that...

I will keep you safe in my harbor, where my eyes and my arms are...

Today Kaydie came over. Her and I get along so well, whenever we are together it is so amazing. I do not think she understands how she makes me feel, it is unparalleled. This time around, she came into my life at such a confusing period, with Alisha just leaving, and Katie doing her thing, it was a very pivotal and vexing time in my life. She showed me something that I had not seen for a long time, truth and trust. I think I made that right choice in October, I am happy with my life right now.
A while ago, Kaydie and I were talking and we told each other our "stories" about previous relationships. I told her about Lauren, Jessica, Her, and Alisha, and how they all got me to where I am now. She was very understanding about my story and to my situation. I told her that she is the only person who can take my mind off others, which she has done twice. When she told me her story, I was shocked to find out that I played the exact same role in her life. I find that fact mind blowing. It is amazing how two people's paths can lead astray, then can merge into one at the most random and necessary of times.
I apologize for the sappy entry, I have just been thinking about this all day, and I needed to get it off my chest, and I am far to shy to say it aloud.

Mortal lovers must not try to remain at the first step; for lasting passion is the dream of a harlot...
C. S. Lewis

Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
William Blake

I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for the truth; and truth rewarded me.
Simone de Beauvoir

we woke up one morning and fell a little further down...

shoes
Originally uploaded by nowiknowforever.

It has been about one month since I have last updated my journal, and a lot has happened.
-Thanksgiving
-Hospital
-Show
-Finals
-Christmas {almost}

I will give all the readers a brief recap of all those events. Thanksgiving went really well at my house. The whole family came over and it was just like a normal Thanksgiving; it was so long ago I really don't have much to say about it. Although, that morning I woke up with a very bad sore throat. That developed over time into a bigger issue, which on that Monday sent me to the doctor's office, then on the following day sent me to the emergency room. Apparently, my throat closed up so I could hardly breath. I was hospitalized until that Friday afternoon. Mark, Kaydie, Joe, and Shae came to visit me, seeing them made me feel a lot better mentally and physically. So thank you for that.
The Saturday after I got out my band played our first show, which went very well. Thank you to all those people who came out, and Shae for letting us play. We practiced so hard and so long, for that day and I truly think every second of it paid off and got us to where we were perfectly. I hope we will play another show again in the near future because it was such a good experience.
School has been getting hard the past few weeks. Between friends and school, I have not had much time for anything else. Finals are next week, I am nervous about those, but I know once it is all done I will have a nice winter break. Although, I still do not drive. I have put a lot of thinking into this, and 2 years later, I came to realize why I do not. It is simply because I am afraid of failure. I don't want to put all this time into it, have someone commit a day to take me to the DMV, and get everyone's hopes up, just for me to fail. Everyone, that is why I don't drive. It still to this day bothers me when people hassle me about it, we all know I don't, why rub it in my face? Kaydie always gives me a hard time about it, and it really bothers me. It is as if I do not know anything about how to drive, or how a car works, simply because I don't have my license. Unjustified and undeserved.
With that aside, Kaydie and I are in a magnificent state of bliss, with no ignorance. I saw her everyday last week, which was very lovely. Recently, we have had more "us" time than usual, or so it seems to me. I like that, although, being around others is fun too. The bad part is we can never think of plans, and then things get restless. I like to take life place by place; downtime is never a bad thing.
I don't really have much to say, I was actually forced to update with this entry. It has hard to update when my life is going so perfectly, people don't enjoy reading that material.


Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
Aldous Huxley

Is love supposed to last throughout all time, or is it like trains changing at random stops. If I loved her, how could I leave her? If I felt that way then, how come I don't feel anything now?
Jeff Melvoin