rave

rave
Originally uploaded by nowiknowforever.

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Hello,
For anyone that still reads this, I have a new journal:

www.nowiknowforever.livejournal.com

you do your thing and I do mine...

The most beautiful thing happened on Thursday in my English class. The essay that was due that day was about reflecting on a time in your life, three people read theirs. One girl wrote about Invisible Children, which was nice and sincere. Another girl wrote a very long paper reflecting on a photograph of her and her mom at her mom's wedding (she was only 18 when she got married). In the photograph, they are looking at each other with somber faces. In the essay the girl went on to say how she doesn't want her mom to leave her, how she knows her new dad will beat both of them (mentally and physically), how she is better off without him and they would have been fine with just the two of them. While reading this she started to cry very hard, and I felt very bad for her that she had to go through this, but at the same time I was happy that she was getting out all of this emotion that she seemed to be keeping in for a very long time. When she finished reading the class was silent, no one knew what to say. Then my teacher started to cry, and a kid from the side of the classroom spoke. This person is the poster boy for the "Goth" community, adorned in all black with hooks and straps; last class he even brought a big stick that he called "the beating stick". All he ever says are such things like "fuck the world, you will all die" or "you will all burn on the stake for your sins of hypocrisy". But anyways, while the teacher and reader were crying he spoke very sincerely and said 'that was really beautiful, I think you should send it to your mom, she should really read it because those are strong and real emotions that you shouldn't keep inside.' Then he said, "I think you need a hug", so he got up in the middle of class and gave this girl a hug! Can you believe it? It was the most beautiful thing I have seen in a very long time. After that took place, a big Mexican kid said 'my mom married another man when I was 13, I went through the exact same thing but I will can't ever forgive her. I am glad that you can though" It amazed me to see this communication unfold in front of my eyes. All these socially drawn lines of status were crossed and erased because real emotion was put on the line. Love is a beautiful thing.

On a side note, I got another "A", this time it was on my paper that turned in two weeks ago (the one about the color "dark blue). Ms. McCurry said, "Jeff: This is a very good piece- your choices result in a very blue mood indeed, elegantly written & suggestive without even telling the reader quite what the situation is (and yet I find that you walk the line between keeping your readers intrigued & ensuring they aren't frustrated quite well)" I do not know what the rest says; sometimes her writing is hard to read. I am very proud of this grade, especially because my essay was shorter than the requirement. Although, that should not be a problem with the essay I just turned in this Thursday, I went 1800 words over the limit. My teacher knew I was worried about it so she emailed saying that it isn't too long due to the fact that I do not write about the same things repeatedly.

On a tangent, I think people should stop drinking. In my experiences it has never furthered anyone in life, expect maybe Jackson Pollock; even he wasn't that good though. I have just never seen the fascination with drinking, but maybe others do, I do not know. It just scares me a lot.

it's not me, it can't be...

As of late, I have been having to keep myself occupied, with television, books or music; so my mind will not start to drift into places that I do not want it to be. I guess it is good that I am reading again.
"I don't want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week. I can't think again. Not ever again"

I truly do not enjoy thinking of Kaydie making memories with someone else. I know that sounds sexual, but really it is not. I just don't want our memories written over. "And all the books you've read have been read by other people. And all the songs you've loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty to other people." What if she plays video games with another guy? Or, another guy goes to Starbucks a lot, or still has GI Joes, or eats pizza rolls while watching Boy Meets World, or he likes to sit in the car on shady El Cajon Streets.

I should really stop being like this, it can't be good. Maybe I should just stuck it up and move on, stop being such a little baby. Yeah, but that's hard...

"I just remembered what made me think of all this. I'm going write it down because maybe if I do I won't have to think about it. And I won't get upset. But the thing is that I can hear Sam and Craig having sex.

And for the first time in my life, I understand the end of that poem.

And I never wanted to. You have to believe me"

forgive me if I slow you down...

I am in a very weird state right now. Kaydie and I broke up on Sunday; but we decided to be best friends still. I am thankful for that because she is such an amazing person. We talk more now then we did during the last few weeks of our relationship, so that is good. On Monday, we talked on the phone a lot, which made me happy even though; she would just hang up on me when her television show came back on. That is ok though, I understand, as long as there is communication. Another night she called me to tell me she was going to bed, that made me the happiest person alive (read previous entry). Just her calling me to tell me that was "enough".

Incidentally, I got an "A" on my first college paper! I am proud of that, especially because it was a hard essay; we had to write about a food. I chose to write about pastries and how they remind me of my friends. Ms. McCurry seemed to think it was "A" work; but I need to work on my semi-colon use. I turned in my second paper today; one of the prompts was to write about a color and everything you associate with that. I chose to write about Dark Blue and all its relations to Kaydie. I might type it up here sometime, but that depends on what Ms. McCurry has to say about it. In class, we had to give ours to the person next to us so they can read it aloud. This was very nerve racking for me, as that was a very personal essay; but she said it was very good.

Also in English, the girl behind me kept asking me a lot of questions. But not like she was flirting with me, she just seemed like she was curious...

She asked if I lied
"I really try not to, I don't really do anything worth lying about"
She asked why I didn't cuss in my paper
"I don't curse"
"But what if you want to yell at someone?"
"I prefer to win an arguement by politness, just don't argue with them"
She says, "You are very prim and proper"
"Well, yea, I like to give off a good, clean, professional vibe, just incase I meet someone that I could be working for; also sweaters keep me warm"
"You live at home with your mom, don't you?"
"Yes, and my father, but they don't pick out my clothes"
"You and your mom are close huh?"
"Not really, she works really hard, we rarely talk"
"Oh, what does she do?"
"She is the manager of car dealership"

I think you guys can guess where it goes from there. I don't know why I felt compelled to tell you that, it just seemed interesting to me.

I am really happy Kaydie and I are still friends, I know I already said that; but it is good to be happy. Her calling me is enough. Although, sometimes I feel like I am bothering her. Sometimes I also wonder if she is as happy when we talk as I am.


Memory feeds imagination.
Amy Tan

in your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there...

And I cried,
but you know, it was a happy cry,
maybe a confused cry.
I tried really hard to keep it in because I didn't want to wake my parents
I think it was a cry of hope, or a thankful cry.
Because I am not somewhere else, and I am here.
And she sounded truly happy.
I really missed that sound.
Thank God that I am here right now, I am so happy.
But what should I do?
I don't want to push her away
But I really want to tell her how happy she makes me
and that right now, I am crying because she sounded soo happy.
I hope that was because of me, but even if it wasn't I am thankful she is finally happy.
Maybe this crying was because of the poem I had just read?
But she is sounded so happy, and I could just see her on the other side of the phone, with a big smile on her face.
That is really all that matters.....

the only time wasted is the time we spend thinking we're alone

Heres to:

In'n'Out
Starbucks
Shady El Cajon Streets
ABC Family line-up from 2 til 6
ToTo's
Diet Coke
The Holidays
Cakes
Coffee
Mondays
Sleeping
GI Joes
Movies
The Vault
Konstantine
Medicine
The hospital
Hilberto's
Jamba Juice
12 O'Clock curfews
The smoochie faces
Brushed hair
Backward skirts
The motherly phone calls
Falling asleep on the phone
Staying up til 3
Sleepless sick nights
Forgiveness
Hours of "Next" late at night
Waking up at the same time
Married couples
"As Lovers Go"
Video editing
Cookies
Pictures
Never going to Arizona
Swinging from cars
Slipping on wet streets
Not caring about getting sick
Video games
Rainy days with Uggs
Christmas Eve
New Year's Eve
Realization
Love
Kaydie

Heres to:
Best friends