happy birthday to me...

fountain
Originally uploaded by nowiknowforever.

As many of you know, this weekend was my birthday weekend; and I turned 18. I wasn't really looking forward to turning 18, but I don't feel any different and this was the best birthday I think I have ever had, or at least that I can remember. This weekend I did many enjoyable activities for my birthday.

Friday: After school, Joe came down and we went to Starbucks where we met Kelly, Shae, Brian, and Raychel. We were there for a bit, and then we decided to go to In'n'Out, Hillcrest, and afterwards Balboa Park. In Hillcrest we walked around, looked at shoes,and bought pastries. It was all very nice, I was all bundled up with my sweater, scarf, and gloves. I had so much fun at Balboa Park with Kelly; it was like the old days without drama. We played on the play set, ran around scary canyons, threw pennies into fountains, and shared clothes. We then had to drop the girls off at each of their houses, so we left. On the way back I put on the Album Leaf and the girls fell asleep in the back which made me so happy, before we dropped them off we went to 7-11 to get hot chocolate, which was amazing. After dropping Raychel off we arrived at Kelly's house about 10 minutes before my birthday, so we sat in Joe's car and waited it out. When the clock struck 12 I was officially, 18 and Kelly let me know that by giving me a hug that lasted my first 4 minutes of adulthood. It was very nice, and rather funny because we hugged on her doorstep, which her and I have never done before, we never hug. After leaving Kelly and dropping Shae off we went to this ghetto hookah bar with Brian and Adam, but we did not smoke because we weren’t feeling the environment, so went to Denny's. I saw Jessica there, which was amazing because I have not seen her since homecoming of last year. She went off to college and we always said we would hang out when she comes down but we never do. I was in shock just looking at her stand in front me, she has not changed one bit, and I felt like I was still a little boy. Brian, Adam, Joe and I ate our food then went over to Valhalla for a little reminiscing time. Friday was one of the best nights of my life, thank you to all of the people who were a part of it because you made it a night I will never forget.

Saturday: was my actual birthday. We had band practice where we wrote a new song that is pretty nice and mellow. Afterwards I went home and Joe, Kaydie, and Elise came over and we hung out there for a bit. When I got dressed we went down to Starbucks and sat there the whole night. Many of my friends came by including, but not limited to: Mark, Seejay, Kelly, and Brooke. After everyone left, just Joe, Kaydie and I were left and Starbucks was closing, so we went to 7-11 to get hot chocolate. After that, we sat in Joe's back seat with our drinks, music, and a sleeping bag. We sat in the dark parking lot talking until 4 o clock in the morning talking about life. It was so nice, and so relaxing. Saturday was also one of the best nights I have ever had, so thank you for the people who were involved in it.

Sunday: My family came over to celebrate my birthday. It was somewhat awkward because there is a lot of family drama going on, but we all seemed to rise above that for today. My dad made a hardy Italian feast that was tasty, yum. We played trivial pursuit and what not then I opened my gifts. I got two new sweaters, one new button up shirt, and some other small things. Oh, and my mom told me she is going to buy the camera I want, so I am excited for that. I am very thankful for all my gifts. My uncle who is going through very hard times right now gave me 10 dollars, I know it’s not much at all but it means so much because he has so little; I think that was my most favorite gift. Today was also a very good day.

127 more dollars until I get ipodded.

Thank you:
Joe, Kaydie, Kelly, Bryan, Raya, Brian, Mark, Adam, Seejay, Kelly, Brooke, Katie, Katie, Elise, Starbucks workers, Ashley, Nicole, Justin, Peter, Scott, Jessica, Raychel, Adrian, Renae, my family, Shae, Tera, Brian's mom, and everyone else who wished me a happy birthday, although I think that is everyone. You all truly made it the best birthday I have ever had.

"The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes..."

Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959)

"do I go to fucking DeVry or something?"

I was really dreading going to class today, but it wasn't so bad after all.

Yesterday I was social, which was the first time I actually talked since school started. I made my first college friend. She came up to me during my lunch break and said she saw me at Copeland; we talked for a while then went to our separate classes. She has the same major as me, and she moved here from Nebraska. She seems like a good person. In math class, I talked to the people around me a lot. I got a compliment on one of my shirts from the big black lady that sits behind me. She always says I have nice shirts. A few people made fun of me because I could recall what shirt I wore last week; I honestly do not think its that difficult. Oh, I found out where all the cool indie kids hang out also, they hang out on the back patio in the smoking section. I really have no reason to be over there, because I don't smoke but that is where they all go. I bet I could make amazing small talk with them, if they would just stop smoking...

Today, I had class with my new friend; she sat next to me, and next to her sat, a guy I met at a hookah bar awhile back. I had a lot of fun during class, I brought candy for my new friend, as a little Halloween treat, but she declined; so I gave it to some other girl. Midterms are next week which really blows my mind. During my math class, I said that I was excited for them and everyone laughed at me. Honestly, what is not to be excited about? It is my first college midterm. For another midterm, there will be a nude model in my class who I have to draw, that will be very difficult.

My sister and her boyfriend are coming down to visit tomorrow, until Monday. I am excited to see her and her new boyfriend; I have not seen my sister since August. I go to class from 8 until 5, so I hope I can see them before they go off to party or something, I should, considering last Friday my teacher let us out 3 hours early.



Does he know all the times I made you laugh
Til' your cheeks hurt your sides split letting happiness out...
Does he know what we went through to make this work? Or did he stand on the sidelines just waiting for his turn?

I thought we'd stick to promises but
You've got someone on your shoulder,
It's not like you to cut me so flippantly, so easily

Does he have a clue what a full moon does to you?
Or the nights we'l creep along the darkened streets
And the shadows of hope streached
With flesh touching the softest flesh...
You know I miss it more than I miss it less.
And you would clutch to your safety belt like it was your life and I would take you from this world as your screams got higher.
Sweat glistens then drips down your face
Do I feel the same way? Do I feel the same? No! Does he know?

locked & kept secret, buried below...

A short while after my last update, Katie called...

She apologized for making me choose between her and Kaydie, she said she knew it was wrong and she felt really bad afterwards. She expressed how she felt and that she wants me to be happy, and if Kaydie makes me happy then she wants me to be with her. We had a long, semi-informative conversation. We talked about why she did what she did to me, and how she wishes it didn't happen like it did. Although, her jokes seemed to invalidate her praise, nevertheless, I will believe her. She made it crystal clear that she is very confused about what to do, or where to go from here. To be honest, so am I. After we debated about our differences, and after the tears, we talked like friends do. It was very different, very "unconventional". In conclusion, I forgave her, once again.

As I stated in my last entry, I am far too passive. While I was on the phone with Katie I was thinking about it...
I think we adopt the passive characteristic when we are little kids. It is how we dealt with the class bullies or the cruel family members that put us in the passive or aggressive bracket. I know for me I was always the one being put down, or bullied. I was a small kid therefore I had no way to defend myself, so I just let it happen. I think that is how my passiveness developed. Maybe it developed when my mom had a short temper, and she would get really mad. I won't go into what happened, but I was forced to be passive. Ha, no she didn't rape me.

A year and 4 days ago is when I was taken from school in an ambulance. That day changed my life for a very long time. I was afraid to be with certain people because I felt like I would be holding them back, limiting there possible activities. I was on crutches until January or so, that was terrible. I cried so much then, because that is when people seemed to really care for me. I tend to not cry when I am sad, but when people show that they care for me. I cried when my mom and dad took work off that day so they could come to the hospital to be with me, I cried when Joe and Lauren came over for my birthday, I cried whenever someone would go out of there way to see if I was ok. I can feel myself starting to cry now.

On Saturday, I turn 18. I don't want to at all. I enjoy being a kid, I like to say that I am only 17. People seem to respect me because of how much I have done, or for how much I know at such a young age. In class, I can say I am only 17 and people respond with "dang, your good!". With 18, comes so much, I don't want all that baggage, I like being a kid. I suppose some good things come with being an adult: smoking, boobs, sex, the draft, porn, and guns. Oh wait, I don't like any of that stuff. I am not doing anything special for my birthday. On my actual birthday I will be at band practice and starbucks; that is special to me. On Sunday, my family will be coming over to celebrate my birthday. That will just consist of them yelling and watching the football game.

My family has disjointed recently. My aunt is starting to get a long with my grandma which is very unordinary because they have never really gotten along, my cousin says it is because she is going to die soon. I refuse to believe that, but if it is true, I am sad that it took death to bring them closer. My family is thinking about doing Christmas differently this year, a secret santa sort of thing is the rumor. That makes me worried of the financial status of my family, maybe I should cut back on buying stupid stuff like candy and expensive coffee. Also, my mom asked me what I thought of going out of town again for Christmas. I really don't like that idea, I want to be in San Diego, with my family. I really enjoy tradition.

Thank you to all the people who have kept me going this far in life, it means a lot. There has been a fair share of drama, heart ache, and sadness; but we always over come it. My friends mean so much to me, thank you. I am not going to name them all, but you know who you are.

"I'm very pleased with each advancing year. It stems back to when I was forty. I was a bit upset about reaching that milestone, but an older friend consoled me. 'Don't complain about growing old - many, many people do not have that privilege.''

Earl Warren (1891-1974), Chief Justice

"When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken."
Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881), British politician

"The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes..."

Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959)

a function of the heart...

Katie and I were just text messaging eachother and she kept on trying to persaude me to stop talking with Kaydie, I said that I wasn't going to stop talking to her because she is a good friend. Katie apparently wasn't going to deal with that, so she told me to choose between the two of them. I told her that was a horrible thing to make me do, but if I had to choose I would choose Kaydie because she would never make me choose. I am not sure if that makes sense, but it does to me. Katie didn't take to that well, she didn't know how I could possibly choose Kaydie.

Sometimes I am too passive.

i'm 22 for a moment...

tables and joe
Originally uploaded by nowiknowforever.

This weekend was very eventful...

Friday night was homecoming, I had a lot of fun seeing everyone from high school, it brought memories of last year and what not. They had some nice fireworks, even though one almost hit me. Afterwards, we followed tradition and went to starbucks. We started to go to starbucks after last homecoming, so it was a nice anniversary. We had a very eclectic group of people, to many people to name actually. It was fun though.

On saturday night Joe and I went to see Copeland, that was very interesting. There was a mutlitude of drama surrounding me, but as usual I tried to make the best out of it. Copeland played very nicely, everyone seemed to enjoy it. Although, it is hard when the last band I saw live was Sigur Ros, so of course I was comparing them; which was bad. Afterwards, Joe, Kaydie, Brooke, and I went to in'n'out for some hammies, and fries, soo tasty. We then had no plans, but we didn't want to go home so we went to 7-11 and sat in parking lot with coffee and us talking over the music; it was very nice.

quote of the day...

I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two always go together. When people ask your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane.
- Ray Bradbury

those drugs you got won't make you feel better...

I guess I am getting better at this whole "new friends" idea.
Today during my lunch break I asked a girl if I could share a table with her, she said yes. We didn't talk, we just shared a table, it was nice...

The past few days I have talked to Alisha, I guess she is doing well in Washington. It is still difficult to start a conversation with her, I just don't know what to say. I have been trying to make small talk about Washington, but I concluded that I don't know much about that place. I wish I was good at starting conversations, but I am not. I miss her a lot, even though I never really saw her. I know I say this all the time but her and I use to have the most amazing conversations, I miss them. She changed me a lot, for the better. Joe says that he has never seen me as happy as I get when I am talking to her. I am not sure if that made anysense but, there is a lot of truth to that statement. I made her a mix CD before she left, I have been listening to it a lot. I wish somethings would have gone differently, but there is not much I can do about that now; I just have to make the best out of what is given to me. I told her when she comes down to visit she can stay with my family. It is a nice thought, I doubt it will ever happen though. When she does come down I will show her a good time and we will go on all kinds of adventures. It will be a time to remember, I promise myself. Everything is beautiful.

What bothers me is when I see people say the same stuff they said to me to someone else, I don't think that made anysense; like I said, my writing is going downhill.

Copeland is this saturday, I am pretty excited for that, Joe, Kaydie and I are going. Along with other people. I hope everything will be good, there is a lot of drama going down, but I hope we can all look over that so we can hear Copeland. It will be a very emotional night.

I hope all this drama will blow over, and the truth will arise.

life is always better after the fall...

I am at school right now, waiting until my 1 o'clock math class, I have a test. I guess I am prepared?
Anyways, last night I had the strangest dream, I was at a school party in a hotel and a whole bunch of girls and I were in a room, sitting in a circle and one kissed me. Then we started to talk and I told her I was 17, she then got up and left. I think that this dream exposes my subconscious fear of being rejected by my fellow class mates due to my age. Until now, I never thought of that being the reason why I have no friends here, ha. Maybe I just haven't found the right person to be friends with, maybe I am too picky?

With all that aside, I have concluded that my writing skills have gone down the hill and fast, I guess I will have to try to build on those.

Lately, and especially last night, I have been going to bed very happy, which is good.
Life is good.

I am in the student lounge right now, a bunch of people are in here, I guess its a general break time. I am really tempted to yell "Life is Beautiful" really loud, but I won't. I will stay inside my shell today.

it felt just like falling in love again...

I forgot how amazing this feeling is.
But now, I remember it well.

nice guys finish last...

Today was a very nice day.
Bryan, Raya, and I went down to Balboa Park where we went to all the museums , which was very nice. Raya was taking pictures for a photo assignment and it made me really wish I had brought my camera. Also, there was a very nice sunset. A very good part of my day was when I briefly talked to Alisha. I hadn't talked to her since she moved away, 2 weeks ago; so it was very nice to talk to her, even though it was just online. I miss her so much, we use to have the most amazing conversations. Maybe we will start talking more.

Oh yea, Katie likes another dude.

you'll make the scene like you always do
goin' up stream down the avenue to fuck some
trophy boy that you won tonight at the bar
so bad, so far. you'll make him sad, shooting star.
when it was me
i was momentarily proud
i'm drunk on dreams now i'm glad
i didn't say out loud
you said you'd be for real but
i don't believe that you are
so bad, so far. you make me sad, shooting star.
your distant and cold, a sight to behold
everybody just sighs. But no one gets on
with you very long, cause you don't feel bad when you lie
i'm going to sleep now
back to find square one
square 2 will be where i can deal with the shit you've just done

-Jeff

i'm stepping away so just keep batting your eyes...

Recently, Katie and I haven't been talking, I am not sure if that is good or bad. All I do is try to make her happy, and help her see what {I think} is best for her; but I have came to the conclusion that I don't know what's good for her. I guess if smoking, lying, and what not is good for her, then that's what she can do; but I don't want to be associated with that, or have anything to do with it. All that I have done is out of pure intentions, I just wanted the best for her. I have tried so hard, but I suppose I was wrong, I don't know what she needs. I honestly don't think I deserve this, but correct me if I am wrong.
My friend Lauren posted a comment on a pervious entry:
"There is something very important that comes with age that one cannot get from reading a book, from school etc. It's called experience. Going through the phases of growing up and learning from each day."

I can see very well where she is coming from. Maybe I can't show Katie what to stay away from, I guess she just has to grow and learn from her experiences. I tried, I really did. If I do drop it and let her find her way, I hope she ends up on the right foot, without going through too many bad experiences; although that is growing up.

It is just so hard to trust her, I really want to though.

My homepage is a website that gives me information, daily news, weather, and most interestingly: daily quotes, 3 quotes a day. Todays quotes:

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
- George Santayana
and
Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.
- George Bernard Shaw

I found those rather fitting, same as this, I don't know why I didn't see this connection sooner:
" I heard about your trip
I heard about your souvenirs
I heard about the cool breeze and the cool nights
And the cool guys that you spent them with
I guess I should have heard of them from you
I guess I should have heard of them from you
Well don't you see, don't you see
That the charade is over
And all the "best deceptions" and the
"Clever cover story" awards go to you

So kiss me hard
'Cause this will be the last time that I let you
You will be back someday
And this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips
Will be of service to keeping you away"


I'll give this one more try, I'll give it all my best.
And I'll ask "What could you be doing that is so much fun
without me by your side, without me by your side?"
And I'll take a step back, and I'll let you ahead.
And I will take a step away and see if you come back.
Because there's no more trying to make this so right,
there's no more trying, there's no more trying tonight.
We will never be the same.
We will never be the same until you're done.

Love,
Jeff Micklos...

it feels so good knowing nothing...

Right now, it is raining; this reminds me so much of last year.

Yesterday was a very delightful day. We recorded a new song which is super good, then we went to go see Chasing Paper and Get Back Loretta, both of which were amazing. I had a very good time dancing. Afterwards we went to Starbucks. But still, somethings confuse me. My friend started to smoke, not weed, just cigarettes. I just don't understand why, I don't see the satisfaction behind it, it think it is a cool factor thing. Smoking really bothers me, I guess it is because my dads side of the family all smoked, and that is the reason they aren't here now; except my uncle, he quit. I also don't see the point of lying about it, I mean things get around really fast. Frankly, I am sick of this. I don't need this, nor do I deserve it. Last night I remembered how much fun I can have with just the guys, with no drama. I am happy with that.

I have so much homework this week, and I have yet to start it. Although, I am off to a good start, I got an A on my 1st math test and an A on my typography project.

I really miss Alisha a lot.

I got a new screen name:
itssonicehere

bathed in new light...

I have successfully completed one week of class. School is difficult, there is a lot of work. I only truly enjoy one of my classes, I hope that I will grow to enjoy all of them. I am still debating wether or not I should add a class, if so, I was thinking Photography; after all how much work could it be? I haven't made any friends yet, let alone talked to anyone. I think I will just keep to myself for now. Everyday I go out during my breaks and sit at Starbucks, or walk around the strip mall and find something to eat. Einstiens Bagels is super good; but mildly expensive. I have grown pretty independent and have been comfortable sitting by myself; that really comes in handy when you have no friends at school.

As I predicted, things changed a lot this week. Alisha has been gone for a week, and I have yet to talk to her. I started college and lost track of my social life, ha. Also, Katie and I went through turmoil; things are okay now. So much has happened, it is so strange to think only a week has gone by.

Oh, back to college. What I really enjoy about it is that everyone seems to get a long. Nobody cares about what "clique" another person belongs to. For instance, the ghetto man that smelt like a bong was very nice to me, despite my pink shirt. Also, the extreme bro and I got along just fine too. Although, people did laugh because I am only 17.

I really hope to hang out with Bryan and Raya in the next two days, I miss them a lot.

and the tumblers are drained and then flooded...

So, here I am sitting in starbucks at college, my 1st class starts at 1, and it is math. I kind of wish my first class wasn't math, I don't think I am ready for a 4 hour math class right now. I haven't taken a math class since Junior year of high school. I also have to return some books, but the guy at the book store said come back at 11, I have time to burn.

I walked around this rather small starbucks looking for a place to sit that was nice and shady. I poked my head into the seating area and this 45-ish year old lady says "You can share this table with me, if you help me" "Um, ok?" I questioned. So I cautiouslytook a seat, and she starts asking me about her computer and how to close a window and what not. Then we started to talk about our lives and what we do. She is a psychologist, who lives around here. She mentioned she is here usually every morning. She then asked me more questions about computers and asked for my number. I gave it to her, she seemed kind enough to have it. So she said she will call me whenever she is down at starbucks so she could get some computer help. I guess its always good have a diverse group of friends, and a hopefuly job oppertunity?

It is nice to have some "by myself time", not alone time, but "by myself time", it is very overdue. Although a part of me feels bad because as I am sitting in this nice sofa, I am occasionally peering up at the people across from me, and the people around me. This is a new area, I have yet to figure out the mindset of these people.

On another note, I am debating wether or not to take 5 classes, as of now my scehdule is:
Wends: 1-5
Thursday-: 8-12
Friday: 8-5
Should I add another class? I think I might if it is Wednesday morning. I am not sure though, please help me decide. It would be nice to be at this starbucks every Wednesday morning though, with my new friend Lisa, I think that is her name. Her business card is in my wallet. There is a young lady who works here who also attends AI, she is an amazing artist, If I had my camera I would put a picture up of her work, its all over the walls, they apparently like her here.

This starbucks is a lot different from the normal one I go to, this one is filled up with busniess men and women; unlike the one in rancho which is populated with scene kids. It is weird to watch them rush in and out of here to their meetings, or cubicles. Just now one business women was so struck with amazment when a fellow business women opened the door for her, I guess that kind of behavior doesn't run standard in their workplace. It is very enjoyable to sit here and watch everyone go by, and try to find what they are thinking. Or just look at them. Although, I feel rather cliche.

Sorry for this post, It is not very informative but it was nice to sit here and ramble. My past few entries have been very up to date adn in tune with what I am going through so you can read those to find out more about me, actually I hope you do read those. I am done for now.

returned again and everything is okay...

Today was an amazing day. It was my last day of summer, and I cannot think of how it could be better.

Bryan, Raya, and Chelsea came over, we made food and watched ABC family like we always had done before. The simple things are always so nice. Later, we went on a quest, we weren't sure where we would end up, but we were determined. We ended up downtown. We explored, and had the most amazing time, afterwards we went for mexican food which we then ate at a park in Kensington. It was so nice, bundled up: scarves and sweaters. Looking out: sunset and best friends. It felt proper for this to be my last day of summer, it felt so fall; crushed leaves on the ground. Afterwards we went to a wonderful coffee shop. White Mochas and delightful conversations were so perfect. As if that weren't enough, we went to a bookstore; where I saw 2 books that I want to read: Tuesdays With Morrie, and Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. Eventually we ended up at Raya's house. Where Katie and I had our long waited talk. There were a number of un-needed tangents, but it was still informative, somewhat. We decided that she should be with Matt and her and I could be friends. But what do friends do? This will be a change. A needed change? I saw Kelly Turner, we had somewhat matching scarves. Then Bryan and I left, but not after a necessary hug.

I start school tomorrow. First day of college, I am so excited. "This could be all I'm waiting for" Right? I am sure it will be wonderful. I am getting there a few hours early, so I can modify my schedule and exchange books, because they gave me books to classes I tested out of; lame. So I will have a lot of free time, I will bring my laptop down to Starbucks and hang out there. I am so excited for this. I am ready. I just wish I had a haircut.

Oh yes, Good luck Katie with your singing, rockstar.

Bright Hopes Come True
As We Walk Downtown
Smiling And Laughing
As Friendship And Exhaustion Collide
We Celebrate
A Two Year Wait
A Distant Dream Is Born
We Eat And Drink Ourselves Full
And Pay Up
With All We Have For The Day
We Sit Down Excited
We Lived In Another World
Where We Were Never Invisible....
A Few Days Later
We Speak Again
But It Didn't Sound Good
We Were All In Agreement
In Agreement About Most Things
We'll Do Better Next Time
This Is An OK Beginning

Life is Beautiful.
Jeffrey Micklos...

and here are you, glow sun...

Oh gosh, Should we even talk about what happpened tonight? I am ready to talk about it? Can I articulate proper words?

Tonight was revolutionary, to say the least...
Sigur Ros and Amina show. Wow. It was so amazing. I even cried. I guess it was all this emotion that is bottled up inside of me mixed with the raw emotion of the music; I simple could not hold it in, although I tried to hide it because Joe was right next to me. I think being with those friends is just what I needed at this time. Recently, I have been very down and out, thankfully today was different. I was rather happy. Not because I am over what has happened in the past week, but because I took my mind off of it and distracted myself with other things. In my head I know that that is not the best way to deal with things, but it is all I can do really. Decesions seemed to have been made, and I apparently lost. Or you could look at it as if I won, but I am not sure. I am still so confused about certain things, I would really like to talk to Katie about this, but I don't think I will have that chance; which is really too bad...

Tomorrow is my last day of summer. I don't want it to end, but it has to some time, right?

"a world is speaking to me, saying you aren't the one thats crazy"

Liner Notes:
-Yes Liz, Katie was correct my birthday is on the 29th. Big 1-8.
-Just because I say "Life is Beautiful", that doens't mean I don't hurt anymore...
-Glowsun got me hard...

i can still remember the summers eve...

It is 10 o clock in the morning, very rarely I am up this early. When I woke up this morning it was a very nice day, the sun was shining through the windows, as if it were still summer; I felt as if I should have someone by my side. Waking up made me happy, I guess it relates back to one of the best statements anyone has ever told me; it was in 8th grade. My science teacher {who I was never really fond of} was talking, I don't recall about what I never really payed much attention, but she said 'everything will be ok, after all the sun will still shine tomorrow morning'. I guess she meant if the sun shines, everything will be ok. I find truth in that, it was true today. Something else made me feel a lot better also, that is the book I am reading. Books have really seemed to help me recently, this one is really good, and with one quote it made me feel much better, "The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone" I find a lot of truth and hope in this quotation, I hope you do too.

Alisha, is moving today. She is going to be much further away then before, but I hope that won't change anything. I really value her friendship, she means so much to me. A matter of fact, she was in my dream last night. The dream was that she was in the hospital, so I went and visited her. That was all, I am pretty sure she was okay. To relate this paragraph with the previous one, I will talk about happiness again. I have remade two old friends, and they have been keeping me very happy, which is good. Kaydie is one of them. Her and I use to be good friends 2 spring breaks ago, but that ended quickly. Although recently we started talking again, and I am very thankful for that. She is a really good friend, she was trying to make me feel better when I was down this weekend. The other one is Kelly. Until Saturday night we didn't really talk for about a month. While I was talking with Matt she called me to make sure everything was alright with me and that I was safe. It made me really happy that she did that, up until then I thought she didn't care about me, but that action told me she did. So her and I have started to be friends once again.

In my previous post I only talked about one sector of my life, I left out school. I had orientation on friday, it was pretty cool. It gave me a taste of what it will be like. Some people in my major had a meeting, and one of the Liberal Studies teachers talked. Her main point was that communication was key, a fellow student said "why do we need to know writing and speaking skills if all content is going to be internet based in the future" She said "good question" I interjected, "well, even if you are writing an article for a website, communication is a need skill, because you still have to communicate with the reader and use proper writing techniques." I was very nevous. The teacher looked at me and smiled "that was a very good point" she looked at my ID "Jeff, thank you". I felt so, in place. The teacher was really cute, I hope I can have a class with her one day.

"You used be alive, now you feel pathetic.
But now I get it,
What's done is done,
Just leave it alone, and don't regret.
Sometime somethings turn into dumb things.
And that's when you put your foot down.

Why did I have to go and meet somebody like you?
Why do you have to go and hurt somebody like me?
How could you do somebody like that,
You know that I'm never coming back."

can't do a thing but wait, so lets wait for one more...

Wow, tonight, I don't even know what to say about tonight. It was all very interesting...

Well, Joe and I went to Starbucks and hung out there, there was a hardcore show at Ground Zero. Joe and I were just chillin when Shae comes in and we talk about Katie and how she doesn't know what happened between us, so I ask Shae to go get her so Katie and I could talk and try to figure things out. So Katie comes by and we leave Starbucks to have a talk. The last few days her and I have been at a stalemate; so I asked the cause of that and what the possible resolution could be. She was very honest and told me all that had happened, and I just sat there and took it. She started to cry, I didn't like that, but there was nothing I could do at that point; it was all in her hands. I tried to hold her until she hopefully would feel a bit better because that is what generally helps me, but it didn't help her one bit. If anything it made matters worse, much worse and it was later used against me. I asked her "what now", she was very unsure; which is very understandable. So I let her go, and then I talked to a seemingly nice couple on the rooftops and told them not to take their relationship for granted and hold onto your partner as long as you possibly can, they seemed scared of me; I had good intentions, I promise. So I went downstairs back to Starbucks, for about 2 and a half seconds. Shae then walks in crying so I go out to talk to her, she tells me how stupid I was to let Katie walk away from me. I replied with 'If she is happy with Matt, I want her to be happy so she can be with him' She didn't agree at all. Matt then walks up, looking very mad, which is understandable; I suppose. Maybe I was walking on his property, but honestly, I didn't know that I was. But, when my friends saw Matt walk up, they went outside to make sure I was ok and to stop any fights, but why the heck would I fight? Especially Matt. Ha. Also, people called making sure I was ok and in good health; that really makes me happy. My friends are truly the greatest, those actions showed that they cared so much, it really meant a lot so thank you. But anyways, Matt, Shae and I were all having a semi-heated discussion, on Shae's side at least. We talked about Katie and how we all thought she felt, Matt and Shae had very different views on that. So after many people coming up and seeing if everything was alright, Matt and I came to a resolution. We decided that we will both take a step back, and let Katie decide what she wants and needs, then we will cast off accordingly, and we will help her try to feel better, and hope all the drama and fighting goes away. So now we wait. I suppose this is what I made Katie feel like, waiting is not good. But, then I think to myself, "is this worth the wait". We will see. I just hope she goes with the person that makes her the happiest, wether it be Matt or me. After all, Matt is not a bad guy, tonight when we were talking some fans came up to him, and he gave them money for a shirt because they couldn't afford one, I thought that was very cool and generous. That could be just what Katie needs, not someone who is unsure, like me.

This past week has been very testing on my mind and body. A lot of things are happening I am not sure if I can handle it. Although, as for now, I don't start school til' Wednesday; that is pretty cool it will give me a bit more time to figure things out. I don't know this past month has left me in pieces, all over the place. I know I say it to much, but a lot is changing, I really hope it will end up the best for all of us, Joe, Alisha, Katie, Matt, Pat, Raya, Bryan, Luke, Lance, Mark, Brian, Kaydie, Michael, Shae, that one couple on the rooftops, and Me. But I will put those people above me for now, and hope they solve everything that is bothering them, so they can be happy. Things will be good soon for all of you, I promise.

I started to read a new book, it is about how one person could change another ones life, now matter how small of a part they play in your life. I strongly believe this. Most everyone I met and definently everyone listed above have made a very significant impact on my life, wether it was good or bad {most of it was good} I thank you, because you have all made me who I am today, and from the longview, I am very happy with that person. Even though I may not be in the best condition right now.

I don't know much else I could say, I feel that I have already said too much so if you think that I was unjust or you don't want me to mention something that I did just tell me, I will take it out.

"a sideways glance, I knew you were looking at him.
I can't call you a friend, 'cause when you left me here,
you left me here to die.
Don't worry I won't call you again,
'cause when I take a hint, I take it pretty hard.... can I call you my friend?
'cause it's been so long since we talked,
and I miss you, don't worry I'm over you right now,
so my feelings won't get in the way of it..."

" I don't know if I'm wrong
'Cause shes only just gone
Why the fuck is this day taking so long
I was a lover of time and once she was mine
I was a lover indeed, I was covered in weed
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Well closer to god is the one who's in love
And I walk away cause I can
Too many options may kill a man
Loving is fine if it's not in your mind
But I've fucked it up now, too many times
Loving is good if it's not understood
Yeah, but I'm the professor
And feel that I should know
What makes her come and what makes her stay?
What make the animal run, run away and
What makes him tick apart from him prick
And the lonelier side of the jealousy stick
I don't know"

"your momentary lapse of thought and the way you chose to leave
will stick with me more than you'll ever know.
'the doubt i feel has become more than a word. I thought I knew you.'
I watched the dust trail your steps off the road"

"Am I alone in this?
Never a night where I can sleep myself 'til day.
We must try to figure it out, figure it out.
It won't be that easy.
We lost it somehow"

Afer all of this, I thought to myself, how can someone be so mad for me just having a friend? Friends are totally wholesome, I didn't cross the line.

That is all for tonight, I am sorry to whoever I caused pain to, I didn't do it intentionally, I promise. My stomach hurts, but it is not the stomach ache when you eat to much, I guess it is the one you have when you know someone is about to leave you, I will be fine soon. Remember, anyone can comment and tell me how they feel, so feel free.

Life is Beautiful, in someway.

Sorry...

Love,
Jeffrey Micklos.